Love is not jealous or boastful.
I Corinthians 13:4
It is interesting that St. Paul begins his description of love with two positive attributes. He writes first that love is patient and kind. (I Corinthians 13:4) Immediately, he then describes love from the negative perspective, the things that love is not. And he begins by saying love is not jealous or boastful. (I Corinthians 13:4)
The last of the Ten Commandments reads “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet you neighbor’s wife, or hie manservant, or his maidservant, or his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor’s. (Exodus 20:17) In other words, we are not to be jealous of or desire the things that are not ours.
Jealousy causes lots of collateral problems, especially as relates to the Ten Commandments. If we are jealous or coveting, we are more likely to kill. That does not mean physically murdering someone, but rather we are more likely to gossip about someone else. Because gossip devalues someone while we perceive that it increases our own value. (Which it doesn’t). We are more likely to commit adultery, or stray from a relationship, because we are jealous of what someone else has rather than content with what we have. We are more likely to steal, because jealousy makes us want to possess what we don’t have, and if we can’t get what we want through honest means, we may resort to dishonest means. And jealousy is more likely to motivate bearing false witness against someone, again to devalue them in making ourselves look/feel better.
Jealousy leads to lack of contentment. It leads us into a perpetual cycle of being in want. Which doesn’t allow us to feel grateful, and which does not allow us to experience “intimacy” (not just sexual intimacy) but the ability to relate to other people on a deeper level. We can’t have a deep conversation with someone if there is an agenda, if we are trying to get something out of them, if we can’t accept them, or if we can’t accept ourselves.
One of the challenges in the world today is that we are losing the concept of contentment. There is always something newer, faster, and better available and there is a pressure to keep up with all the newest things. And these two things, jealousy and discontentment, work in a vicious cycle that is hard to get out of.
This leads to the temptation to be boastful, to put ourselves out in front of people, to boast of our accomplishments, to recite our resumes and to exaggerate truth just so that we feel seen and heard. Humility is one of the most important of Christian values. We see the example of Christ and His extreme humility to die on the cross for us. In Luke 18:14, Jesus says “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.” In the Old Testament book of Proverbs, we read Before destruction a man’s heart is haughty, but humility goes before honor. (Proverbs 18:12) And St. Ephraim, in his well-known Lenten Prayer, asks the Lord and Master of my life to give a spirit of prudence, humility patience and love to us. In this example, St. Ephraim ranks prudence, humility and patience as the path to love.
Love allows us to celebrate the wins of others. Not everything in life is a competition where in order for one to win, others must lose. Love allows us to tip our hat even to the one who has bested us in something. Love recognizes that not everyone will win every time and accepts that we will not win at everything we do. In so many corners of the world, we are coming to see our neighbor as our enemy, our competitor. And when we see our neighbors in this way, it is harder to love them. When Jesus tells us that the greatest commandments are to love God and to love our neighbor as ourselves, this becomes impossible to do when we are jealous of our neighbor or feel the need to boast to get ahead of our neighbor. While it is possible for love to exist anywhere, including a competitive situation, it is harder for love to flourish when someone is trying to vanquish someone else. The only way it can exist in competition is when the ones competing do not focus on “win at all costs,” but instead focus on maximum effort. If the focus is on effort over outcome, one can make a sincere effort even in a losing cause and then be able to tip his hat to the one who has won, knowing that both gave all their effort and that only one person could win.
O Lord and Master of my life, do not permit the spirit of laziness and meddling, the lust for power and idle talk to come into me.
Instead, grant me, Your servant, the spirit of prudence, humility, patience and love.
Yes, Lord and King, give me the power to see my own faults and not to judge my brother.
For You are blessed to unto the ages of ages. Amen. (Prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian, Trans. by Fr. Seraphim Dedes)
We cannot express love towards others when we are jealous of them or boastful in front of them. Love requires humility and contentment is an important ingredient in being humble.
