Part III—We’ve Forgotten How to Argue

In the fallen state of our world, it is impossible for everyone to get along all the time about everything. There are going to be disagreements, arguments and fights, even among the best of friends, never mind total strangers. The word “pandemic” is now well known in our world, related to Covid-19. However, there are other kinds of pandemics in the world, and one very toxic one relates to our inability to argue properly and to forgive sincerely. Wars have been started over petty arguments, marriages have been strained, friendships have been broken, people have left jobs, teams have fallen apart, etc. There is a certain “art” in how to argue well and in most corners of society, we’ve forgotten (or maybe never learned) how to do both. Part of being a good encourager involves learning how to argue.

Little children know how to argue. On the playground, they fight over a toy, they cry, they pout, and within minutes they are playing again. All is forgotten. Adults don’t argue like this. We quit. Or we get even. Or character assassinate someone. Or call an attorney.

Lots of arguments quickly get out of hand, when a simple solution could have been found. And sometimes arguments don’t happen at all, because of the fear of starting an argument makes one stay quiet. Until one day, they explode. Psychologists call this “passive aggressive” behavior. Many of us are passive, absorbing all the negativity, until one day we explode, sometimes at the smallest of things, because we haven’t dealt with conflict in an appropriate manner all the way along.

So, how does one go about negotiating differences of opinion? How does one avoid arguments? How does one get out of an argument once an argument has started?

There are a few things that are easy to say and easy to write down, though harder to do. One of those things is creating an environment where it is safe to be honest. This is done by specifically saying that to the person you have a difference of opinion with. Just say “we have a difference of opinion, let’s come to the table with honesty and with respect and work it out.” That’s not what politicians do. That’s not what people who have signed contracts do. However, that’s what friends should do. And spouses. And co-workers who really matter to us.

The place to start an argument is not from the place of difference but from the place of similarity. At the beginning, find any points of agreement and start there. For instance, let’s say that one spouse wants to buy a car while the other one thinks the desired car is too expensive. If both spouses can agree that a new car is needed, if they can come to a point of agreement on something, then the argument becomes about the means to the same desired end.

Having said that, when the desired end goal is the same, it is easier to negotiate the means of how to get there. Many times, there isn’t unity on the end goal so for sure there is argument about the means. Thus, another good place to start an argument is by stating the desire to a common end goal.

This may all seem like it’s pretty common sense, and it is. However, many times we are starting arguments or perpetuating them because we can’t find common ground and we can’t find common sense either.

Imagine if you began an argument/heated discussion by reading today’s Bible verses together with your “adversary.” How amazing it would be to affirm that we are God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, and that we should act towards one another with compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness and patience. How wonderful it would be if we led with any ONE of these traits. To argue with kindness, or patience or compassion towards someone else. And when the “argument” is over, to ask for forgiveness if you have offended someone, or for another to ask forgiveness of you, so that everything can bound together in harmony. Because this is what love is. If God tells us that the greatest commandments are to love Him and to love one another, learning to love one another in the midst of an argument, and learning how to argue by leading with love are two very crucial things. An argument that takes on the form of a good discussion rather than a heated disagreement can actually be encouraging. Creating a space where it is safe and expected to be honest can be reassuring and affirming.

It is increasingly frustrating in the political sphere when no one can reach across the aisle to work with the other party. Likewise, in our daily lives, it is sad when we can’t reach across the aisle of difference to work with another person. Learning this skill and applying it with patience, compassion and love would go a long way to making our world a more encouraging place to live.

Lord, thank You for making each person different. Thank You for creating different talents, personalities and viewpoints. Help us all, in those times when we have disagreements, to come to the table with respect and safety. Give us wisdom and patience as we look for points of unity. Give us humility to work through differences. Help us to keep our focus on love for one another. Bring us peaceful resolution to differences, and when that is not possible, give us patience and help us to serve one another with humility, even when we don’t see eye to eye. Amen.

Learn how to argue and how to find points of unity even in times of difference!