Part XIX—There Is No Need for Self-Pressure

A previous reflection discusses how it is okay to be a “Smith” and not a “Jones,” in other words, not feeling stressed out about “keeping up with the Joneses.” There is definitely a palpable pressure to keep up with what others are doing, as if we are in some kind of competition with them.

We are all familiar with peer pressure, which is when peers pressure us to do what they are doing. This pressure might be overt, like our peers actually demanding that we do something. Or it might be as in the case of “keeping up with the Joneses” and feeling our own sense of pressure to keep up with them.

This reflection talks about another kind of pressure, self-pressure. This is a pressure that we put on ourselves to be at a certain place at a certain time in our lives. Regardless of what others pressure us to do, we each have ideas in our own minds for what we want to accomplish by a certain point in life. For instance, a senior in high school might feel pressure to date, not from their friends, but from themselves, because in their own mind they think they should have dated before they finish high school. So they go ahead and force a dating situation to occur, even if it is not the right person. A freshman in college might feel pressure to drink, not because others are telling them to, but because they think it is something college students do. So they go ahead and start down this road, even if it is risky or they aren’t comfortable with it. A person in their late 20s might feel pressure from others to get married, but there might be a certain expectation from their own minds that people should be married by age 30. So they go ahead and rush to get married, perhaps to the wrong person. The same can be said for the thoughts that one might have as to how many children they wanted, what part of the country they wanted to live in, what successes they hoped to have at work, how much money they had hoped to save, and all the other pressures and expectations we put on ourselves. We create goals and then pressure ourselves to achieve them, sometimes at our own peril.

There is a certain “logic” that permeates our minds, where we think certain things should happen in a certain order by a certain age. I think often of these verses from Acts 1:6-8. By this point, the Disciples had loyally followed Jesus for three years. Many times, they were confused as to who He was and what His purpose was. They had their own sense of what they thought would will happen. After suffering through the terror of the crucifixion and experiencing the joy of the Resurrection, the Disciples turned to Jesus and asked Him a question that had been on their minds: “Lord, will you at this time restore the kingdom to Israel?” (Acts 1:6) They have lived under Roman oppression as well, and they were hoping that with the power Jesus had shown to rise from the dead, that He would use that same power to give them political freedom. This was the next logical step in their minds. The answer Jesus gave to them must have seemed like a punch in the gut: “It is not for you to know the times or seasons which the Father has fixed by His own authority.” (1:7) In other words, the kingdom was not going to be restored to Israel at that time. The plans and hopes that the Disciples had for political freedom were not going to be realized, at least not yet. Jesus told them, however, that He had other plans for them. They were to “receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria and to the end of the earth.” (1:8) In other words, Jesus had plans for the Disciples that were not contingent on whether they got political freedom. And stretching this a step further, perhaps Jesus didn’t allow their request, because it might have proven to be a distraction from what they were really called to do.

Many times our goals and plans for ourselves will not work out. And we won’t understand this at the time. Sometimes, what happens will not make any sense at all. And sometimes, what happens might make sense later. Take for instance the senior in college who is devastated to break up with a boyfriend. At the same time, she gets accepted to a graduate school in a faraway city, decides to attend the school and goes on to have an amazing career (and eventually gets married). Later on, she will look back and be thankful for the breakup, realizing that had she stayed with her boyfriend, she might have not gone to that school.

In Isaiah 55:8, we read “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. Yes, we should motivate and pressure ourselves to achieve goals and to excel in what we are doing. But when a goal can’t be realized, or we feel pressured to do something we really don’t want to do, we should back up and reflect on the possibility that God is using our situation to lead us to something different than what we are thinking, or perhaps even protecting us from making a mistake. In the instance of the person who didn’t date in high school, or who broke up with a boyfriend in the process of applying to graduate school, sometimes God allows these things to protect us from making a wrong decision.

When I was in high school, it saddened me that I wasn’t dating. However, looking back now, it was a good thing to not have the temptations that go along with dating in high school. When I was younger, I had a desire to climb the career ladder and go to a very large parish. Looking back, I’m glad that I didn’t get the transfer that I had hoped for, because I’m very happy where I am. These “failures” were God’s way of protecting me and have not only led to what He has desired for my life, they have led me to be happier as well.

Sometimes we try too hard to do something or be something that we aren’t. A wise person once told me, “If you are trying too hard to get a square peg in a round hole, you are probably doing the wrong thing.” Another person told me “the right decisions are the ones that bring you peace.” And yet another person told me “if you are thinking too hard about a decision you are making, it is probably the wrong decision.”

There are times when we will make plans and goals and work hard and we will achieve them. There are also times when we will make plans and goals and work hard and we will not achieve them. Sometimes there will be no reason for this, other than we won’t succeed at everything. And sometimes there will be a reason for this, we just won’t realize it at the time. And many times, the reason will be because God is protecting us from something, or helping us become who we are really supposed to be.

While we should try to not succumb to peer pressure, we should also not succumb to self-pressure.

We should also remember that some peer pressure and some self-pressure can be good.

Mostly, let us remember that what seems logical to us, in terms of the times and seasons of our life, may not fit with God’s plan for our lives. However, be assured at all times, that God has a plan. For His Disciples, that plan was not political freedom, but to receive the Holy Spirit and spread the Gospel to the ends of the earth. And what higher goal in life could there be than that?

Lord, thank You for the many gifts, talents and opportunities You have given to me. Help me to know Your plan for my life. Help me to stay true to who I am and who You created me to be. Help me in times of pressure and uncertainty to know what is the right thing to do. Help me to remember that if I am honoring You and serving others, not achieving other goals or expectations is not necessarily the end of the world. Help me to understand the best way I can honor You and serve others. Give me wisdom to set goals, wisdom to achieve them, and patience when they work out differently that I had planned. Help me to trust You at all times. Amen.

Stay true to yourself and stay true to God!