Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, behold the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to Himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. II Corinthians 5:17-19
I listened to a podcast by Rick Warren (author of “The Purpose Driven Life”, Podcast of June 25, 2018) in which he described our struggle with conflict resolution. There are two things I took away from the program that I want to share in today’s reflection.
The first is the old adage “Time heals all wounds.” We’ve all heard it. Many of us believe it. Let’s think about that for a moment. Time does not heal a broken leg, or an open sore or any other serious physical ailment. In fact, time is not on your side if you have an infection or serious disease. Waiting can make a wound much worse and have a much more serious impact on one’s life. The best way to treat a serious physical wound is to get medical treatment quickly.
The same holds true for many of our conflicts in life. We sweep things under the rug, we stonewall many conflicts, just thinking they will go away and they don’t. Often, in fact, they become worse. Think about unresolved conflicts you may have with a spouse, a child, a parent or a friend.
Why so much unresolved conflict? Well, the second thing I took away from this program was the fact that most of us have never had any training in conflict management. I had eight years of college and never once took a class in conflict management, never even heard of one. And yet, this is something that comes up in my life way more often than calculus or chemistry. It is something that most of us are not good at doing. And just as encouragement is an “art”, so is effective conflict management.
Today’s Bible verse reminds us not to repay evil for evil. When wronged, it seems the inclination is to do exactly that, repay evil for evil. Sometimes when wronged, we do nothing, hoping it will just solve itself. That doesn’t work either. When we are in conflict, the best thing to do is deal with the conflict, something that just about all of us do not enjoy and are not very good at.
In committed relationships, conflict resolution should be something we talk about with spouses, friends and co-workers. We should talk about it before it happens, realizing that inevitably it is going to happen. As St. Paul writes in I Thessalonians 5:15, we are to “always seek to do good to one another and to all.” Is good will possible all the time? Yes, it is possible to offer good will all the time. Is it possible that the person with whom we are in conflict will also extend good will all the time? No, there inevitably will be people who don’t extend good will, who lack compassion. In our school years, there were bullies, and unfortunately, some adults are still bullies.
When conflict arises, pray for discernment to deal with it. Christ tells us in Matthew 18: 15-17, that “if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two other along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” Christ advocated conflict resolution, not sweeping things under the rug. And He advocated for reconciliation whenever possible. Our intention should be to do the good. Even if the outcome isn’t always good. God commends the effort and the intent.
Finally, healing what is wounded starts by looking at the good points of one another, rather than the points of conflict.
In seeking to do good, it is critical that we work to resolve conflicts. Conflicts are discouraging. Resolving them is encouraging.
Lord be with me in my conflicts. I pray for (names of people with whom you have conflicts) that you bless them today. Help us to heal the wounds that are between us. Help me to not repay evil for evil but whenever possible to reconcile. And when reconciliation is not possible, show me the way to personal peace. Surround me with people of peace and encouragement. Help me to be a peacemaker and a better encourager. Help me to see the good in others. Amen.
Talk to someone with whom you have a conflict, or talk to a close friend about how to deal with conflict when it happens.
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The Revised Standard Version of the Bible is copyrighted 1946, 1952, 1971, and 1973 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. and used by permission. From the Online Chapel of the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America.
